you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1