When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Love is always patient and kind.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
me after eating Cheetos