I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
You Might Also Like
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.