“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
You Might Also Like
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.