i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Good dog. ❤️
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Had to try this trend 😊
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.