I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book