Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Who.
Did.
This?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
scrabbled eggs
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*