i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
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Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.