5 ways to appear taller
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[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume