I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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Otters drive ottermobiles.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
scenes of unspeakable carnage