Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
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My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer