Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I’m not proud