If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Does it…does it take 3 days
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Pretty much! 😂👀