If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
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just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)