Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
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If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Velcrow
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
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