Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
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Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”