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(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
God has left this place
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie