if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
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3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.