Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!