A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised