That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
water it, i dare you
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
🙄😏😂🤣
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics