“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
You Might Also Like
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.