Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
People buying plungers never look happy.
This is painfully accurate 😅
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.