I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?