[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
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Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
yeah no that’s fair
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.