“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
The future is now.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw