My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
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100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases