Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
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Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Stop sending me this shit.
*frowns in Scottish*
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Flock of bats
Life hack