“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
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People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List