Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”