me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
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“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera