I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
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We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Spring of Deception
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.