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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
back to work
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.