its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
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Time heals everything 🙂
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Do not levitate over flowers
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
also my go-to takeaway order
That earthquake could have been an email.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.