An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there