noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
*3.5 thank you very much.