The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
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Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper