If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
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POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*