*struts into the new year
~ trips
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If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Risking my life for fun.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.