Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
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lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back