shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
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Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
This squirrel eats better than I do
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Why soy sad?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
my sentiments exactly
Knock Knock
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
#MeanwhileinCanada
[shakes fist at other fist]
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X