Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Time for evil
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Every house has this drawer
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me