Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.