Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
You Might Also Like
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.