A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
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I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Oh my God.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.