KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
🤣dope
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.