Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
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ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.