Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
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Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Steam Forums
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
You have been warned.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup