My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
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“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
won’t smith
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that