Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
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It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
me when the borders lift
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.